Monsters everywhere

Here are my monsters, or at least what I imagine them to look like:

Here is Blue

And here is Larry

Wave to the nice Internet, guys!

Blue is kinda sad, and he's the one who says things like "See? I told you this wouldn't work out" and "this is a bad idea...." and of course "What if...."

Larry is much more volatile. He has highs and lows and gets mad and then wonders why he made such a big deal about stuff and feels bad and goes out of his way to make thigns better. He's a bit exhausting.

Epiphanies everywhere

I just read a wonderful post by Havi on her Shiva Nata blog

http://shivanata.com/blog/theory/oh-and-some-more-epiphanies/

and there's a comment from jessie in there that was absolutely amazing and hit me also like a ton of bricks. Pasting in here so I won't forget the beauty that is here.

"last week’s parsha was ki tissa, which i have always loved–the golden calf, betzalel, men with hearts of wisdom, whiny israelites…and this week, it really hit me that false idols (which i’ve been thinking of for years now as the demons of TV! and Consumption! and Celebrity!) are really things that we engineer to simply feel more secure. we make like the israelites, and beg someone else to make us something that will Fix Us and keep us from the horrible hungry monster of worry. Just something external that will help us stop thinking about the horrible gaping hole inside of us."

All my lessons since I started this have been about forgiving myself and others. Not judging, not feeling like i have to prove myself.

More Epiphanes

It's been a tiring couple of days and the epiphanies have been flying. Last night I was able to be much more calm and non-frazzled about the move and about a current relationship situation that is taking its toll. I was able to let go of things and just enjoy the evening.

Today I had some moments of Bing! when I realize that in a certain situation I am the one to throw shoes. Can you imagine?? Me? Throwing shoes at someone else? Gak!! That was a tough one. I guess it's cause I so badly want to convince others that I am smart and cool and interesting that I have been doing it at the expense of someone else's beliefs. Even though I am pretty anti-establishment, it's not right of me to mock those that embrace it. Well I wasn't mocking the person, exactly, but the etablishment itself, with pretty clear arrows pointing at the person in question. Not fun to realize you've been a jerk.

I was doing Shiva Nata today and thought how would I feel if someone came up and started making fun of it. It wouldn't be hard to poke fun at me flailing around following some guy in a purple jumpsuit. So maybe we all look silly to someone.

It's all a matter of perspective. So maybe that person who is causing me much grief is doing it out of her own pain, not realizing that in my world I am right and she is wrong. Just as in her world I am the one who is wrong. So.... can I have compassion for her? Can I open up and not judge? She is hurting far more than I am. Can I forget that in her pain she lashes out at me and just let her be?

Shaking (gently)

I had a great practice today. I decided to just start from the beginning. Level 1, breathing. I went step by step and was completely charmed by Transquarters. I'm sure I've done them before but I was captivated by their elegance this time. I probably skipped over them before.
I realize this is a pattern, the skipping ahead. I remember my Dad, annoyed that I had skimmed through yet another book, rushing to get to the end and missed so much of the writing and the beauty.
More patterns- focusing on being aware, gentle. In theory I want to be aware of the small things, charmed by a tree on the side of the road, normally unnnoticed as I rush by on my way... where?

Intention: I want to be more gentle with those I love. Not crashing through the underbrush making noise and roughness so I will be noticed. Is there a theme of invisibility? Afraid if I am not affirming myself that no one will see me? Perhaps calm and Sovreignty can serve me just as well. Not bending to others but not forcing them to listen either, to notice me. Perhaps I can just rest in the knowlege that there is one person who notices me. He is there, right next to me, wanting to be let in. He already loves me for who I am. He has seen the best and the worst and he wants to be close. I want to stop pushing him away because I am afraid he will see the scared icky bits. But he has already seen them and he accepts them. I want to open the doors wide and not be scared.
But my Monsters are there, trying to protect me in their own way. They get angry, they jump up and down. They yell. They forget what we agreed we would do, which is slow down and not rush (there it is! Pattern!!) to conclusions. We agreed to have faith in the promise of situations and be open to possibilities. I promised the Mosters that they are safe, that they are protected. Nothing can happen until we decide we are going to move forward. But the Monsters freak out. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
If someone says they may do something it means they definitely will!! So we have to react to the possibility of something potentially happening as if it were the actual thing happening and freak out right now!! Ahhhhh!!!

Shaking up the picture

I decided, finally, to start a log of my Shiva Nata practice. Just like with everything else (pattern!) I started Shiva Nata a while ago, got very excited about it, and then it just kind of faded. I got busy with other things, and I just didn't make the time.
I'm hoping this journal will motivate me to keep at it and record epiphanies and observations as well as challenges.

So far:
I've been doing Shiva Nata off and on for a few months. I'm at Level 1 and can do H arms and V arms fast with no voiceover, though V arms is a little more challenging. I also seem to be doing okay with H arms with legs. I've had loads of lovely epiphanies mostly around my relationships with others, specifically my Mom. Ugh lots of stuff there.
I also got back into Hot Yoga which I really love.

My intention most days is to slow down my reactions to things. To not freak out or fly off the handle but to remain calm. Also Sovreignty. Oh and also less procrastination. And more balance.
Hmm anything else? ;-)